You would think 19 years would be enough time for me to get
used to the world around me and figure out what I want to do with my life. NOPE.
I have never been so confused. I am endlessly struggling to figure out what I
really want and what I need to do to get there.
Like so many people my age, I am unsure of what I will be
doing when I graduate in 2 years. I love
my major, but can’t help but feeling that I am letting some loved ones and myself
down. I went from the intention of going to law school after graduation to now
wanting to dive into the world of marketing. The problem with knowing what you
want to do with your life is the upsetting realization that just because you
have a plan and are stuck on it doesn’t mean it’s going to work out. My entire
life I was 100% sure that I was going to be a bada** lawyer. My goal was to get
into the best law school. The problem is that imagining and dreaming about it
was a waste of time. I should have been acting
towards my plan instead. It’s not too late for me to get my act together and be
a lawyer but now I am left with the question of how bad do I want it? When did
I lose focus of my law school plan and why?
Could I possibly be happy in a different career? The thing is that having a
dream erased is terrifying because I no longer have a clear “dream.” I find
myself left with the lingering thoughts of years at law school, with thoughts
of how much I enjoy writing and would have loved to major in journalism and
English, how I LOVE movies but am terrified to major in anything related to
cinematography. So I guess the thing is that I can kind of see myself going in
different directions. But that is exactly what I do NOT want. I want one clear path that will keep me satisfied for the
rest of my life.
Silly me!!! Life will never work this way! Unfortunately I
can’t get 5 bachelors degrees in the span of 4 years. I have to pick one major.
So far I am genuinely happy with marketing and I have been enjoying my classes.
However, I don’t exactly know how I plan to use my degree after college. I
guess the only thing I can do right now is take it one day at a time. I have to
get it through my head that there will be a lot of trial and error before I
find a career that sticks with me and that’s okay. I can continue to
pressure myself to work hard, but there should be no pressure or stress now
about what will happen in the future.
I have to learn to fulfill myself without the worry of how
my career will define me or make me recognizable. Growing up, part of my
problem was that I wanted to be extraordinary and I didn’t have any clear way
of getting there. What I should have wanted, and what I want now, is to be
happy. I found that I will be happy if I grow up to have an honest job, love my
family and friends, and mostly if I continuously work towards becoming a better
person. Because the thing is we are all
extraordinary just by being true to ourselves.
I have finally realized that being happy is not overrated.
Wanting to be happy is so much more
than a cliché. It is simple and is the clearest path that I know I want. If I
just keep moving forward I’m bound to figure everything out.
-Diana
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